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A Freaking Tale of Pregnancy Discomforts: not for the Faint-Hearted

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I don’t mean to be a b****, but you must understand that it is with great pleasure that I say pregnancy sucks. Hahaa. The only good thing I can say about pregnancy is giving birth.

It sucks because of so many pregnancy discomforts:

1. Your breasts grow out of control, and although that should be a good thing, the pain accompanied with it is just not worth it. My boobs are luscious and big right now but I would give them up for freedom from the pain. If only pregnancy were less painful.

2.Phlegm – hello! Am I the only one who is experiencing this? OMG! It is so gross and very discomforting. I can’t enjoy a good meal because I always have to spit something out. I can’t even enjoy a glass of water without spitting the slime. Eeeewww. It really isn’t funny at all. The only time that the phlegm doesn’t show up is when I am sleeping..haha.. But a sure way to make the experience easier is by purchasing a spittoon…Lol or you can develop a habit of licking salt.

3. Irritation - oh this is the worst. I am normally a crazy binger but I can’t binge anymore because I am irritated by almost everything and anything. I have to think really hard before I can decide what to eat or even put a spoon of food in my mouth. I am irritated by all the things I normally like. I can’t eat chicken, I can’t eat beef, I can’t eat eggs, I can’t eat rice. These days my tongue is more tolerant to bread and spicy sauces. I can’t even drink cold water. Now that is terrible. I feel very weird, like I am the only one in the world with this problem. Most pregnant people I have encountered tend to eat a lot more than usual.

4. Weakness – this is not cool at all. I don’t enjoy being a weak brat carrying a little brat. I don’t like being outweighed by a 1 month old fetus, lol.  I find myself feeling cold in hot places and sometimes shivering.  I feel dizzy in the mornings. You know sometimes you just want to be able to walk from your room to the kitchen without feeling nausea. This shit sucks and the only consolation is the reward of childbirth. I congratulate those who have been through this many times. What the hell were you thinking? I would love to have as many kids as possible, so no disrespect to you, but omg, I am not trying this again until scientists have invented something to make all the bad sides of pregnancy go away.

5. Stretch marks – I know we are supposed to embrace our bodies and be proud of the marks that pregnancy leaves on us, but honestly, let’s cut the crap. I am sick of this shit. I have stretch marks on my waist, stretch marks on my arms, stretch marks at the back of my legs, on my thighs and all over my butt. This isn’t funny at all; the only place left is my face.  No matter how much I am going to love my baby, I don’t need these marks.

6. Peeing up a storm – I pee like a hundred times a day. I don’t like going to the toilet more than 3 times a day in general, lol! But seriously this peeing thing is not cool when you are meeting with business partners. You spend half the time in the toilet. I just want to know that I am not the only one going through all this crap. Like they say, misery needs company right. I need freaking company. I need to know that I am not the only fat pregnant lady dealing with this shit.

The truth about pregnancy is that whether you have a spouse or not, you will still get all the symptoms. A spouse is there so you have someone to complain to who won’t throw back a big lecture at you.

7. Shaving your lily - lol.. This is just hard. It’s near impossible. How in Newfoundland are you supposed to shave your crotch when there is a big fat belly blocking both your view and your reach? Seriously? What is the solution; I won’t have my spouse looking up my bushy crotch to shave me, no sir. Not going to happen. For those who are bold enough, go ahead and have some delicious French Fries to go with it.

Food for thought

I know that having a baby is very gratifying. But have you ever considered how you are going to cope with the screaming and the tantrums? I see it on TV every day and it scares the b out of my belly.

Back to right now

8. Farting – hahaha.. This is funny… I kind of like it, I fart and laugh at how bad it smells..lol.. But really it can be embarrassing in public because you can’t control it. Lol.

Now after all the shenanegans of the first trimester, you start to get real mad when you are headed towards the end of the second trimester. Oh yea, this is the part where you temporarily lose the ability to wear high heels. Or maybe it’s just me. I am normally a catwalk queen when I am in heels but with the growing pumpkin belly of mine, I feel like my weight is going to break my shoes. Aww, now I have to come down to earth to old flats, and believe me, I walk like Robocop in flats. So this win goes to baby, he/she gets to make the rules on this one. Pregnancy discomforts suck! Urgghhh..

 


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