Okay, the baby’s here, now what? You made all the plans for getting the room setup, down to the smallest detail of the butterflies on the wall borders but now you’re finding you forgot to plan how you and your husband will split the responsibility of caring for the baby. LOL! Yes, you read that right, you AND your husband.  In a lot of marriages, women are now ‘unequally’ working full time while still being the primary caregivers for their children. Full time work includes stay at home mothers because what most people fail to realize is that staying at home with the kids is a full time job! When a mother stays home, it’s easy to find that her job doesn’t end after dad gets home since he feels he’s been at work all day and needs a break. Well it took two to make the baby and it should take two to take care of the baby, down to changing diapers.

In a lot of marriages, one of the biggest issues is divvying up household responsibilities, especially after a baby. Prior to the baby, it might have been easy for a woman to absorb certain responsibilities but once the baby arrives, the amount of time in a day stays the same with increased responsibilities and now this woman finds that she is overwhelmed. Rest assured, it isn’t because these household chores have suddenly become complicated or that you're now incompetent or lazy. It's very normal - taking care of a baby is a full time job. If you are a working mom, right after leaving work is when you are looking to rest, not to start getting dinner ready for the household while also needing some much needed rest. And if you stay at home, surely you also need a break after watching kids for 8+ hours of the day.

Before and during the pregnancy, it is important to plan for how household responsibilities will be divided between both spouses. There shouldn’t be any assumptions that one spouse would suddenly pick up more responsibilities or that it would be shared amongst both. In the past, household chores were seen basically as the woman’s duty in the home. This trend has drastically changed, what with the fact that most of the women are now working class. 

Although a lot more Naija men are coming to the realization that household chores aren’t only for the women, and doesn’t put a damper on their ego, a negotiation needs to happen prior to the baby’s arrival and also afterwards as things tend to change once the reality of the assignments set in. Continued evaluation of assignments also helps to ensure both partners are on the same page and no one is feeling overburdened.

Below are a few tips for getting your partner’s help:

Tip 1 -  Make a comprehensive list of household responsibilities and assign to each person in the household that is old enough to participate (can be as early as 18months ;) e.g. picking up toys) – this conversation is a negotiation that should play off each other’s strengths. E.g. the woman doesn’t have to be the one ironing; if she hates it and he’s fine with it, he can be primarily responsible for ironing laundry.

It is suggested that you actually write a list versus just verbally discussing as it is easy to gloss over tasks that might seem 'effortless' e.g. dropping kids off at school. Create a three-column table -  first column for the tasks, the second for Partner A and third for Partner B - columns help because you will find that looking at the list, it is very easy to identify imbalances… Also note that taking care of the baby should be discrete activities (i.e. feeding, bathing/nighttime or morning ritual, preparing lunches, school/daycare drop-off/pick-up)… Although these may seem minute, it is easy to see from the table that an over accumulation can lead to feeling overburdened easily. To assign tasks from the list, you can go down the list and pick off what each person likes to do and then go back to the least-liked tasks to negotiate assignments. Here are a few tasks to get you started:

• Dishes (loading/unloading dishwasher/hand washing)
• Laundry
• Bathrooms
• Vacuum/Mopping (does someone vacuum/mop all the floors, or does the person responsible for the room vacuum/mop the floor?)
• Packing Baby’s lunches
• Cooking
• Living and dining room
• Baby’s rooms
• Parents/guest bedrooms
• Grocery shopping
• Getting baby ready for daycare/school (bath, clothes, breakfast)
• Getting baby ready for bed (bath, clothes, bedtime activity)
• Taking out the garbage
• Mowing the lawn/shoveling the driveway

 For those who have maids or other type of help, you might never have realized how much your maid was actually doing until you read this or tried to do it all yourself while also taking care of the baby.

Tip 2 - Avoid nagging your partner if he fails to do the chores “right”. Don’t be a perfectionist or you will turn him away. You really have to learn that to accept help, you have to let the person do things the way they know how to or else, you will lose those helping hands. If you think he can’t get it right, he will be quick to let you know to do it yourself. Understandably, there are some chores that require they be done a certain way (e.g. separating colors from whites for the laundry) – in this case, you’d have to nicely show your partner how to do it with gentle reminders when strayed or further divvy up the tasks – e.g. you sort the laundry while he washes and folds etc…

Tip 3 - Be appreciative. No matter how little the chores he has done are, always recognize his contributions by showing your appreciation verbally, physically and emotionally “thank you, I appreciate you”, will go a long way hug, kiss and even a massage. These are simple gestures that will encourage him to help out more around the house.

Tip 4 - Swap chores periodically as it will help you both understand the level of effort involved in each other’s activities. It’s also important to periodically evaluate the list to see if there are ways to reduce the time spent by each partner or rate of work the other partner is doing, especially if there is a feeling that the chore list is not evenly distributed.

Tip 5 - Get extra hands – seriously, if financially feasible, outsource some or all of the chores to avoid arguments about what is or isn’t getting done. This is a great solution if a couple can afford it and cannot come to an agreement about some or all of the chores… It is okay; it doesn’t make your marriage any weaker. It is also possible to agree to try this out for a while to see if it works as this could also provide insight into ways to get things done in a manner you possibly didn’t think about.

Tip 6 - Communicate! Speak up if you start to feel you have an unequal share, it’s time to setup a family meeting to discuss some of the issues and possible changes…. Remember though that the conversation should not be confrontational or aggressive as you won't get anywhere with such an approach. Instead look for a calm time to bring it up - "honey, would you mind helping out periodically/taking over XXX chore for me as I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and you do such a great job at it?"

If your spouse isn’t really keen on any of these ideas, you will need to find creative ways to get him involved - this is where you turn to the 9ja Mom discussion boards to get some help from other moms who've successfully 'conned' (cough, cough, maybe seduced is a better word) their partners into taking over a particular chore. If all else fails, it's time to plan a runaway getaway for a few days and leave baby with daddy to figure it out - you might come home to a spouse that realizes the effort or a house that reeks of diapers that have been hanging out for days... Good luck and share your success stories!